More Fucking Shit about Me

To Blog or Not To Blog? That is the question (somewhere, Diablo Cody's head just exploded).

I debated it for a while (why bother, why even try, why waste your time, the world needs another blog from another unpublished writer like it needs another hole in its ozone layer). But then I surrendered to inevitability.

Sure, at first I resisted. I was always that kid in class who wouldn't raise his hand if anyone else had theirs raised (partly for lower expectations if I was wrong, partly because I enjoyed being the only one possibly in the know). Now everyone and their mother has a blog (literally, in most cases) so the novelty has worn off. Now it's vlog...and after that, it'll be iLogs (presumably, Apple-compatible holographic vlog-blogs scanned directly into your retina via a large hypodermic needle protruding from your computer screen).

But too many writers are using blogs as a booster seat to success. It’s adapt or die. If I don’t, I won’t get published at all, I’ll get left behind while lesser-talenteds move ahead of me in line. And that’s even worse. The only thing worse than not succeeding is seeing others succeed instead of you (to paraphrase Gore Vidal).

A prime example being Diablo Cody and her striptease-to-success story (her blog was called ‘The Pussy Ranch’ and had all her stripper stories on it and some LA talent manager-agent-producer was searching for whack-off material, googles ‘pussy,’ stumbles across her stripper blog, 'Hey, ever consider writing a book?’ she does, ‘Hey, ever consider writing a screenplay?’ and boom, fame, money, Oscar, career, backlash, etc).

You can’t make this shit up.

If Diablo Cody, that talentless succubus, that bloated carbuncle of quirkfest teenspeak and eco-whimsy indie-songs, that living symbol of everything wrong with (although I hear Young Adult is quite good) then why not me? (I've never met her, I'm sure she's very nice, I bet she was a good stripper in her day and she comes across as good-humoredly self-effacing in interviews but...goddamn, no offence to her but she sucks).

The main thing that convinced me was when I was sending out queries for my novel (yes, I have a novel, so what, shut up!) and one of the agents sent me back this reply.

I might be interested in looking at the full manuscript. But publishers are always very concerned about an author's ability to market a novel and in his "platform." Have you put together a proposal in which you outline your plans for marketing and promotion in the event that you get the book published? Do you have a Website and an evolving fan base? These are the things publishers will look for. Please let me know if this is the case.

Catch 22: Version 2.0.

Nobody wants you if you don't have a blog - aka 'a viable web presence' and ‘built-in social-network platform’ in buzzword marketingspeak - but if you're unpublished, nobody out there cares what you have to say because they're all just like you. “You can’t be published without already being published” has become “You can’t be published without already publishing yourself online for years…and then also being published in print, where it counts.” The more things change, the more they stay the same.

So...the phrase 'I'm fucked either way' comes to mind (as does the visual image of the literary industry as that rape-kill dildo from the movie Seven). Might as well give in.

Conventional wisdom states, ‘Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?’ Why buy someone’s book if I can read their blog posts gratis? It’s like if you get daily blowjobs from the girl around the corner…you don’t go and marry her without a prenup. It doesn’t make sense. But a web presence, the blog-twit-self-flagellation shit is no longer optional. It’s mandatory. Sharing your innermost thoughts and personal details online, especially for writers, is as mandatory as masturbation, internet connection, or daily fiber supplements.

Apparently, this is a thing.

Among the main reasons for writers to NOT start a blog:

1. It distracts and takes time away from your main writing.
2. Wasting good material for free.
3. Who will read it, who will care? 

So it's fine. I don't care. If nobody reads this, if I'm just writing for myself, that’s okay too. As the late composure Y.S. Bach said about his music, "I don't write my music for money, I am writing it for God!". Perhaps that was his way of saying he was writing it for you and me and, for him (him being himself, God, who cares).

I'm a big fan of low expectations (expect nothing of anything or anyone and they'll rarely disappoint you). So I'll do this for a while, at least until I get bored or die suddenly, whichever comes first (if these posts stop coming, assume the latter - it's the more interesting variation).

As one of my favorite expressions goes, 'It's all the same shit.' And it is. It really is.