Politics Post: And Now For Something That Actually Matters

There’s an old/new joke about how being president has aged Obama. It goes like this. ‘He used to be half-black and half-white. But now he’s just completely gray.’

Being president does age you severely. You age two years for every year in the first term, three years for every year in the second term, and four years for every year of scandal. Look at Bush and Clinton at the end of their presidencies. Their hair is shock-white and deadened-gray, hard deep lines cut into their faces, barely able to smile because to do so would be like cracking granite.

But Obama, much like Al Pacino in Godfather III, has actually gone gray in the face. Black + White + Presidential Stress + Republican Assholes + Not Smoking = Gray. Maybe somewhere in the White House attic, there’s a picture of Obama getting younger, blacker, and less of a over-compromising pushover pussy…but it’s unlikely.

Still…he’ll win reelection easily.

Obama can still play the master orator when he needs to, getting behind a podium and sounding like Denzel Washington playing an idealistic preacher…so he’s got that going for him. And as much as people seem to dislike him now, they hate the Republican table-scraps even worse. Sure, Obama’s a soft-touch union-friendly born-compromiser who has always been better talkin’ than doin’ and would rather negotiate than invade but…we all knew that four years ago. So what else is new? He’s Jimmy Carter sans the Iran Hostage crisis. He’s the wimp you wanted. Deal with it.

Besides, people aren’t ready for the first black president to become the first black one-term president. What’ll that say about the country? How much would that reverse the ‘first black president’ goodwill? Because as bad as things are all over…and they’re mighty bad…on the upside, ‘Hey, we elected a black president, remember?’ Take that silver lining away…and it’s all gray doom like Obama in the face.

So…as for the Republican slate of candidates? This is the best you got? Really?

Rick Santorum. The biggest tool I’ve ever seen. You could put a socket-wrench in a sweater-vest and it would still not be as big a tool as him. He looks like the type of guy who is most uncomfortable around unmarried black women. And his last name was a bad fit for a ‘President _______’ nametag even before Dan Savage made his play. Really, Christian Right? This is the best you had in their back pocket? This is your holy savior? The guy who’s against women in the military and thinks abortion is the worst thing ever ever? And I thought it was bad when Rick Perry was the front-runner…

Newt Gingrich. That sack of waterlogged potatoes with an overinflated Goodyear blimp for a head. He metaphorically and literally represents government bureaucracy at its most bloated. Cheated on two wives, married his mistresses, left one wife on her cancer-bed…and that’s still not the worst thing about him. Time Magazine 1995’s Man of the Year (back before it was PC-ified into ‘Person of the Year’ – wow, must’ve been a bad year that year). Newt, you can call yourself an outsider, you can call Obama a socialist, you can prophesize the coming American apocalypse for a Democratic second term…you still don’t have a fucking chance in holy hell, not with all the dirty money in the world.

Mitt Romney. Aka ‘The Mechanical Mormon.’ Looks like he popped out of a ‘Republican Politician Cloning Machine.’ He loves corporations, he’s filthy rich, and he’s flip-flopped his position on everything to veer as far to the right as possible. If he wasn’t a follower of the teachings of Joseph Smith and the LDS church, he’d be the perfect republican candidate. Unfortunately, people look at him and think, ‘Your Jesus isn’t my Jesus’ so…he’ll probably make it. He’s the Bob Dole of this election, the sacrificial political lamb, the ‘seriously, dude, this is the best you could come up with?’ The winner by default, split-decision, and mass apathy…

Ron Paul. He has new ideas, he sticks by his convictions, he has a plan that’ll actually work, he’s willing to stand up to the special interests and corporations and unions, and he has the strongest support among the independents…so he doesn’t have a fucking shot in Hell. Ron Paul has the best chance of winning general election…and no chance of getting Republican nomination. The party would rather lose without him than win with him. 

Ron Paul is like McCain in 2000 but better. No compromise. He'll cut foreign aid, slash the budgets, and he refuses to pander even while he's running for president. That's why the core Republicans and Democrats both hate him. He’s the only guy who hasn’t been promoted to front-runner status yet…and that’s because he’s the best. So he’ll pay the way for his son. Rand Paul 2028!

Who knows? Anything’s possible.

Here's my prediction for the next president (based on current lineups of republicans, Obama seems guaranteed a second term so this is for 2016).

I'm calling it now. Based on the last three presidential trends (Clinton, Bush, Obama – each increasingly younger, unknown, inexperienced, and admitted drug use – from denied pothead to denied pothead and cokehead to admitted dope-smoker and coke-snorter) and the fact that Americans are losing faith in their own government, the next president of the US will be a young (39-41 years old) single-minority (either female or Latino - Americans can only accept one minority at a time) war hero (haven't had one of these in a long time, not since Kennedy).

A young Latina war hero. Sounds about right.

Someone young and inspirational and idealistic but not a suit, no politician, no rich kid, a real salt-of-the-earth average joe. I was thinking that a young female war hero would be great. Maybe even one married to a Latino war hero. That would be awesome. Make her famous and opinionated, very smart, well-educated, but not a politician. An outsider who is famous for something non-political. She has to be good-looking enough to get men to like her but not so much so that she intimidates women. And also the whole war hero thing might allay the 'What if she's PMSing with her finger on the button?' fears.

A female president? Really? Hey, like I said…anything’s possible.

Maybe in 4 years, there will be a female/Hispanic president. Maybe in 16-20 years, there will be a Libertarian president. Maybe in 50 years, there will be an atheist president. Maybe in 100 years, there will be a Jewish president. Or maybe in 10 years, the American economy will have collapsed, the world will be a nuclear wasteland, and we’ll all be scavenging mobs of dehumanized barbarians, killing and raping our way across the country in search of oil, water, and ‘fresh meat.’ Oh well…I’ve got my fingers crossed for a mix of all five possible outcomes.